


The Composition of Decay

by coatlicue



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Guilt, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, beronica
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-13
Updated: 2017-06-13
Packaged: 2018-11-13 13:17:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11185911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coatlicue/pseuds/coatlicue
Summary: Right now, it feels like the easiest way to destroy yourself. If you were a therapist you might call it a cry for help.But you're not a therapist, and you don't care enough to think about the implications of it.





	The Composition of Decay

**Author's Note:**

> TW for eating disorders. If any of this might trigger you, don't read. I promise, it's not that good.

_You say, I've been to the door and wept. It says, What door?_

_-_ Brenda Hillman, December Moon

Your mother always told you that guilt was the best diet pill.

Maybe that explains why you haven eaten in two days, why anything you managed to force down your throat before that climbed through the walls of your esophagus and expelled itself into the toilet. There is a searing pain coiled like a snake in the pit of your belly, determined to destroy you from the inside out.

When your mother packed up all your things into suitcases and told you that you were moving to Riverdale, her hometown, you saw it as a way to start over. You had watched your father being dragged out of your home, and something inside you had snapped. _This is not okay,_ you thought, but then you thought about every fucked up thing you had ever done to everyone else.

This is not okay, but it _is_ karma.

Perhaps you were stupid for looking at Riverdale as a way to start over. To leave behind Veronica Lodge and your last name's tainted legacy and start over. Have a shot at a normal childhood. Maybe you were foolish to think that the Old Veronica Lodge wouldn't follow you here too.

Because you kiss Betty as a way to make Cheryl's insides crawl.

Then you kiss Archie as a way to... you're not sure, actually. It was an instinct. The Old Veronica took over your body and mind and you royally fucked up.

You have spent a lot of time trying to atone for those sins. Trying to make things right. You comfort Cheryl, you push down any lingering feelings you might have had for Archie to protect Betty, and you take down the likes of Chuck Clayton and his army of hormonal gremlins in a desperate attempt to prove to yourself that there is _some_ form of innate goodness in you.

It works for about a second.

Then you keep finding ugly truths about your father, and all the families he ruined to try and better his own, and his involvement with the serpents, and the possibility of him having something to do with Jason Blossom's murder, and everything you built crumbles.

Something inside you breaks.

You stop moving. Stop sleeping. Stop eating. It's all a desperate attempt to exert any semblance of control over your own life.

Because even from behind bars, Hiram Lodge can control many things, but he does not get to control your destruction. It's a way for you to look at him and say, "Look, _papi_ , you're not the only one who can destroy me. I can destroy myself, too."

Kevin comes up to you and Betty one day in between classes and says, "Oh my god, did you hear?"

You prepare yourself to hear about whatever couple has emerged from the sweltering hell that is Riverdale High, but nothing could have prepared you for what he said next. "Remember when you went swooping in to save Ethel because you thought she might be suicidal?"

Your heart drops into your belly, "Oh no, she d-didn't..."

"No, but her dad did." The hallway starts to spin in circles around you, everything becomes a dull roar in the back of your head. "He accidentally swallowed a whole bottle of sleeping pills. He's gonna be okay, but that's why Ethel's been so sad lately. Now everybody knows..."

You can't take it. The guilt of everything your father has put the world through comes crashing into you. It's like being stuck in a slow-motion car crash all over again. You never crumble, but somehow everything that you touch does. You are, after all, your father's daughter. You have the reverse Midas touch, and everything close to you goes to shit.

So you run. In true Lodge fashion, you run, and you push down the sobs that are threatening to escape until you're in the girls' locker room, staring at yourself in the mirror. Veronica stares back at you. Watery eyes, dark hair, and a string of pearls strung around your neck that burns your skin every time you look at it.

Your hand reaches up, and pulls. The string of pearls falls and you swear that you can hear each one make an individual ping sound when it hits the ground. It's all too loud.

_This island is full of noises._

You barely register Betty run in after you until you feel her hand on your shoulder, and then you fall into her arms. She is so inviting. Safe. Wonderful. Betty holds you and she holds you and she holds you until you're sure that your body has no more tears left to cry. You're pretty sure that third period is long over by now, but she never once leaves your side.

When you finish crying she helps you stand and you lean against the bathroom sink trying to keep your balance. You catch sight of yourself in the mirror and chuckle, "God, I look awful."

Betty just smiles, "You're beautiful."

"Yeah, sure," You sniffle, "What sold it? My snot or my raccoon eyes?"

Betty runs a paper towel under the sink and then walks over to you, "All of it."

She dabs under your eyes with it and cleans your face, and the kindness of it all only makes you want to start crying again.

"God, this is such a mess. My family has made such a mess of things."

"It's not your fault," Betty says, rubbing your arm sympathetically.

"No, maybe not... but it's my burden to bear and I... I don't know how to handle it. I'm so fucking weak."

"No, Ronnie, no... what your dad did, what Ethel's dad did... neither of those things is on you."

You sniffle again and look Betty in the eyes, "I'm not that good of a person either, Betty."

"What are you talking about?"

"I've done some things, at Spence, things that I see everytime I look at myself in the mirror. Things that good people, people like you, they would never even think of doing."

"Is that why you're so sensetive about Ethel's dad?"

You nod, crossing your arms and holding them tighter against your body, "Last year, at Spence, my best friend and I terrorized a girl, Paige, so much that she had to transfer and go into therapy. And all because I hated myself so much that I took everything out on anyone else. There was no ryhme to it, no reason. She was just there, and we ruined her."

"Ronnie..." Betty wraps her arms around your shoulders and pulls you close.

"It's so similar to what my dad did. Ruining lives just because he could. The Lodges do so have a gift for self-preservation. It's hard for us to pinpoint exactly where that line moves from protecting ourselves to attacking others. God, sometimes I wonder, you know? If it would have been better if..."

Betty pulls away from you but keeps one hand on your shoulder, "If what, Ronnie?"

"If I was never born." Dark eyes dance up to meet Betty's, which immediately fill with tears.

"Veronica, don't say that. Don't you ever say that."

"I thought maybe here I could get away from it, but the guilt of what happened at Spence seems to follow me around everywhere that I go. I hate myself more everyday for being a completely awful person."

"You are not an awful person."

You scoff.

"I _know_ you, Ronnie. I know who you are. You're the girl who has protected me at every opportunity, from the rest of the world but also from yourself. You're my best friend, and you are absolutely wonderful."

"No," You sob as Betty sraps her thin arms around you and holds you so close that you can feel her heart threatening to beat out of her chest.

"Yes, Ronnie. I love you, god I love _you_. I love the girl you've become here, and I'll keep telling you until you love yourself too."

"That's not going to fix this, Betty."

"No." Betty concedes. "But it'll help. Love always does."

Despite Betty's words you can't quell the serpent of guilt that coils in the bottom of your stomach. You sit in a booth at Pop's with the three people you have connected most with in Riverdale, but you can't hear a word they say. The only thing you can think about is your dad and his hearing, and Ethel's dad, and Paige, and everything you've done.

Pop comes up to take your order, but when he gets to you you just shake your head softly.

"Are you not eating, Veronica?" Betty says while tilting her head worriedly at you.

"No, no, I'm okay. I already ate, thank you though."

Jughead eyes you wearily, "Really? 'Cause I was with you at lunch and I didn't see you have anything."

"I ate after that. I had a free period," You lie.

Betty smiles teasingly at you, "Ronnie, I know your schedule."

"Fine, I ditched, okay? I didn't want you to get all preachy about it. But I'm full, I made chilanquile at home."

Everyone seems to take this as the truth, and you let out a breath of relief. The last thing you need is to worry your friends with your problems. Especially when they all have their own fish to fry.

It works, for a while. You don't eat at school, faking incompatibility with the slop that they call food. You order at Pop's but you take one or two bites and wave your spoon around while you talk to make it look like you're eating. You hide food in your napkin.

It's the kind of thing that those anorexic girls on your cheerleading squad back at Spence would do to stay thin.

You know it's unhealthy, but you also know that it's not your weight that you're worried about really, and you know you can get it under control. Right now, it feels like the easiest way to destroy yourself. If you were a therapist you might call it a cry for help.

But you're not a therapist, and you don't care enough to think about the implications of it.

It's all going fine until Jughead finds you throwing up in the bathroom of Archie's house.

"Ah, shit," he says when he opens the door to the bathroom and sees you hunched over the toilet, throwing up that night's lasagna. You're expecting him to close the door and leave, but instead he walks inside and shuts it behind him. "You okay?"

You roll your eyes, "Peachy."

Jughead turns to you with a concern in his eyes that you're not sure you've ever seen before, except when it's directed at his dad. "Are you sick, Veronica?"

"Did you or did you not just walk in on me going full Linda Blair in Archie's bathroom?"

"I don't mean that kind of sick."

You squint at him, "I don't understand..."

"I mean, are you making yourself throw up on purpose?"

Your heart hammers in your chest so hard you're afraid your chest cavity is going to split in two, "What? No, I-"

"You haven't been eating. I notice these things more than people usually do. I'm quiet, so everyone assumes I'm not paying attention. You don't eat at lunch. You never order anything at Pop's, you just talk so much that nobody notices."

"I-"

"This is dangerous, Veronica."

"I'm not throwing up on purpose, Jug. I just... I can't. I can't eat. Please don't tell Betty."

Jughead shakes his head, "You need help."

"I'll be fine, I know what I'm doing. Please, just _please_." You're already on your knees, and now you're crying and your mascara is running and you're sure you look pathetic enough, so begging isn't going to make it much worse. "Promise me you won't tell her."

"I can't do that, Veronica. I won't tell her now, but if it continues to happen, I'm going to tell her. She's your best friend and she's your..."

"My what?"

"Your soulmate."

You don't negate his statement. You don't say anything. You just wait for him to leave and then you lean your forehead against the toilet seat and you cry, and you cry, and you cry. The smell of your sick comes back to you like a sick punishment until you stand up, flush the toilet, smooth out your dress, and put on a smile. In a true Lodge fashion, you start to value that people _think_ you're okay more than being actually okay.

In theory, you know Hiram Lodge is not a good man.

It's not hard to tell by just recounting everything that he's done to your family and to families like Ethel's. But a part of you had always loved him, and probably always will. Growing up, you were daddy's little girl. Always pampered, always adored. _Cariño_ , he would call you. _Mija. Princesa. Amor._

But then you began to grow up, and you noticed the things in your family that nobody else was supposed to know. Your dad would sneak out and he wouldn't come back until well into the morning. He would get drunk and he would yell and yell. It would scare you so much that when you were a kid you would hide under the bed with your head pressed into the carpet.

You didn't notice until you came to Riverdale what your dad had done to your mother. He had turned her into a shadow of herself. In Riverdale, she was a strong and powerful woman, never minding what anyone had to say about her. In New York, she was stuck under your dad's thumb.

She was afraid of him, and if you speculate about the _why's_ of it for too long it makes your head spin and spin and spin. So you try not to think about it.

But you don't have a choice after he indirectly threatens to destroy your mother through the lawyer he sent to plead his case. _Think very carefully about your next move, Veronica._

It's as clear as day that he no longer cares about your well being. Nor does he care about you. Maybe he never did. Maybe your dad is the one that paid a serpent to kill Jason Blossom as payback. Maybe the man who called you cariño growing up no longer exists. Maybe he never existed.

All of this is making your head throb.

All you want to do is stop.

But it hurts too much to think about, so you find yourself crying in Betty's doorway after school. Jughead is sitting on her couch when you open the door, and you try not to think about why that makes you ache a little bit, because by now your whole existence is a sore spot and you don't think you can even find any more places to store the hurt.

Betty smiles when she sees you until she notices the tears leaking down your cheeks, and then she pulls you in and holds you tight. She's been your rock since the beginning.

"He threatened me, Betty," You manage to get out in between sobs.

" _What_?" Betty says in that tone that she gets that scares you a little bit.

"My dad. He said that if I don't testify for him, then he'll come after me and my mom. That she's just as guilty as he is."

"Do you believe him?"

"I don't know. He might be bluffing, he may not be. And it doesn't matter. Maybe my mom's guilty and maybe she's not and maybe my dad had something to do with Jason Blossom's murder-"

Betty pulls you towards the couch and she wraps you close. You curl up into a ball and you let yourself cry. You try not to focus on what your dad did and instead focus on the dull throb of hunger in your stomach. It makes you feel more human.

Jughead stands up from the couch and he gives your shoulder a squeeze before walking out of the house. You can't think about him right now. About the implications of showing weakness in front of him. Maybe it makes you selfish.

"It'll be okay," Betty murmurs into your hair, "It'll all be fine."

Maybe it makes you selfish, but right now you're glad it's just you and her.

After a few weeks, your bad habits start to get harder to hide. Concealer can only do so much for the bags under your eyes. Your clothes are starting to become ill-fitting and, as much as it pains you to say, you and your mom can't afford to go on shopping sprees for new ones.

Betty corners you in the locker room after vixen's practice, "Ronnie, what's going on? You're not eating, you're getting thinner and thinner every day and..."

"Betty..." Your voice pleads with her to stop before this conversation gets to a place it can't get back from. You start to back away but Betty holds you back.

"No, Veronica, listen to me! Because I'm afraid... for you and... I feel like you're getting smaller and smaller every day and one day you're going to disappear completely."

You huff, "Nothing is going on, Betty, really."

"I know what self-destruction looks like, Veronica." Betty opens her palms, revealing crescent-shaped scars on the inside of her palms. Your eyes fill with tears and you feel betrayed, because you definitely did not give those tears permission to come.

You want her to put her hands away, you want to tell her it's not the same, because Betty does not _deserve_ to hurt herself like that. She's a good person, and you... you're the same as your father.

"It's really, _really_ not a big deal, B," You plead.

"Not a big deal? Not a _big deal_ , Veronica? Everytime I blink I feel like I'm going to have to go and look for you all over again, you're getting so small. What is this about? You've never had a problem with your body."

"It's not about that, Bets."

"Then what is it about, Ronnie? Tell me." She puts a feather-light finger on your shoulder and you crumble the same way you always do under her touch.

"A person like me doesn't deserve to take up space."

Betty's eyes turn softer than you ever thought they could and she says, "Ronnie..."

"God, I'm so tired of this."

"Veronica Anamaria Lodge, you deserve to take up all the space that you need. You deserve the world, and I mean that. You're wonderful. You are nothing like your father, and you need to stop starving yourself as a way to atone for his sins."

You wipe away your tears and say, "You're right. I don't know... I guess I thought this would help. With everything."

"Did it?" Betty asks.

"No. But I did it anyway."

"I'm so sorry you're going through this, Ronnie. I want to do everything in my power to help you, because I... I love you. I love you more anyone else in this world. And I know that doesn't fix this, although I wish it did, because this is something you're going to have to work out on your own, but... it should guaruntee that I'm going to fight to the death until you're better."

Your heartbeat speeds up, "What are you saying, B?"

"I'm saying that... I love you. As more than a friend. And I know the timing on this is all off, and I don't want you to feel pressured to start anything or even respond right now because it's more important that you get better and I would never want to take advantage of how emotionally vulner-"

You wrap your arm around Betty's waist and pull her close, and you press your lips to hers. Your first kiss at cheer practice was done almost entirely out of spite, but this one is tooth-achingly sweet.

"You're right, Betty. The timing on this is all wrong, and I don't want to jump into anything right now either, so for now I want you to continue being my best friend, but... I love you, Elizabeth Cooper. Thank you for noticing. I'm going to get help, I will. And when I'm all better... we'll see about finishing what we started."

Betty smiles and leans her forehead against yours, "So this means..."

You peck her lips quickly, "It means, then when I get better, I'll be yours, if you'll have me?"

"I'm all yours, Ronnie. Proudly so."


End file.
